Everyone has bad habits... 'biting nails'... 'making bad decisions'... Well, mine's nothing big actually. It's just bothering me that i have to do it so often these days, that i've never had higher self-esteem than when i didn't, at all.

Feeling sorry for myself.

Even dad realized it a few days ago. Lectured me about exams and not studying... still enjoying myself and wasting time. He said he came into the room one night, switched on the light, and said "why are you staring at the ceiling in the darkness?"

Yep. It's a reeaaally bad habit. Time Consuming. Self-Esteem Diminishing. Extensive-Trouble Causing. But it's good for the eyes though. Cleans the tear glands.

So what about this bad habit? What makes you so special?

We, single guys... ya know... like Darryl and Wayne... we go to college everyday.. to, so called, study, but we do none other than what losers do in teenage-populated areas.

Look at chiques.

And what's so relevant about that to your bad habit?

Nothing. that's exactly what i'm talking about. I am so irrelevant, that i feel sorry for myself, thinking about my ex, everyday. what i did, what i didn't do, what i could have done, what i shouldn't have done... I mean... who on earth thinks about their ex everyday for 10 months?

I just had a peek at my old xanga, just to see if anything would catch my attention. Yea we had a blog together, started up early last year, but she had mainly covered it with her thoughts and i'd just drop by a couple of times to express mine.

I had proven to myself how much time can change people. And how much it can't. It's been a year and all i've done is think back about that same frame in time, when we parted, when i begged her, when she ditched me. And in contrast, it's been a year and she's moved on, she's having fun, perhaps, she's found someone.

As i scroll through the posts, i tend to tear, catching the 'i miss him's and the 'i love him's. (wa so perasan). What am i to do, now that i know nothing would go back to where it was, although i still act and think like it can. Always the thought of how i could send her a lorry full of flowers and a diamond ring, accompanied by the thought of her slamming the door in front of the delivery boy after saying "just tell that dumbass that it's over between us and that he should get a life,". All these thoughts creeping up to my head in the darkness.

I wish she could just slap me hard once and for all, tell me in the face that i was a total loser, that now i am a total stranger, and pierce me with an ice blade, through my right ventricle of the heart. That way, i don't need to bother her anymore, neither would i need to burden my parents by wasting away their precious funds in providing me with a future.

But hey, i'm still here. that was only a wish. maybe i'll find someone better. someone better than her, someone who could balance out her friendships and her relationship, and cope with it. someone who wouldn't ditch me.

I guess i just felt like updating my blog, but didn't have any amusing ideas. Well anyway, a blog is a blog right. it's a phone chat with your punching bag to spill everything out that's bothering your mind. it's a diary to record your life's transactions. omg. TRANSACTIONS. holy crap. i'm an accountant.

AND NOW, FOR TWO OF YOUR WORST BAD HABITS, I TAG:

Michelle
Cheez
YingJane
Keshia
Maddy
and KWFC!