I was taking a leak in my mom's room toilet till a realized that I was listening to a very prominent-sounding gossip commentator. As in flushed the toilet, I swung the door open, and there my mom was, glued to the television as if she was reading the latest Fashion/Celebrity/Scandal/Gossip Magazine, except that it was a TV Channel.

Yes, you've guessed it. It's the All-New Channel



with loads of gossips about the hottest activities revolving round Jomi and his lifestyles in college and accountancy. We bring you the best of the semi-latest events around Klang Valley, and it's all on the J! Entertainment Channel.



1st runner up in Foosball okei. Don't play-play with my aerial seven.


I mean come on man. Well, the E! Channel is of course much better than reading magazines, since you just have to sit there and watch LIVE red carpets and movie reviews 24 hours a day, but on the bad side, i personally think that it was refinely and specifically designed to attract and grab hold of us through the commercial breaks, ending us up in a 2-hour TV break. So all of us can fail our finals and become entrepreneurs in the end, coming up with Gossip Entertainment Channels like E!.

Geez.





I mean like, they practically hire commentators with lungs




Back to the old Mindmapper for Law.





So anyways, I'll be back to update more frequently and meaningfully. Finals are in less than a week's time. Gosh i'm so panicking. And the worst part is

Labels: expanding my knowledge, i'm a marketing director

Remember that humping beagle I had a few weeks ago?

For three whole torturing days, we had to tame a wild beast, running around the porch, leaving its stinkin' poo on our slippers and pee-ing on the plants, etc.





And as we heartbrokenly saw the hyperactive dog walking all over it's pee and poo, spreading it all over the driveway and the porch, we finally decided, it's time to give this dude a bath.

So here's another guide by jonming.com on





Beagles are nasty animals. Especially the untamed, untrained males of this particular breed, they rummage through your plants, shit right on the doormat, and pee on mom's car tyres... I mean, this may sound somewhat exaggerated, but wait till you really see the dude humping you. So,

Lesson No. 1: Bathe your beast frequently,

as you'll never know what it did during the last few days. And maybe you'll even wish it ate chocolate after knowing what it did.





So now, after the stinking creature has dog poo and urine all over its paws, soil and ticks and a thick layer of dust on its fur, and god know what else on his other body parts,

It's time to give him a nice long bath.





So, some people might ask, "what's so difficult about giving a dog a bath?"

well then, let me tell you.

Firstly, it can never stay put, even if there's nothing around to smell or see. or lick. And besides that it can't seem to understand that even though it's already chained to an immovable object, it still tries to escape, being tugged backwards again and again. So in order to tranquilize it,

Lesson No. 2: Find your beast's weak point.

like for my beast, its seemingly weak point is its tail, in which if you have a firm grip of it, the beast will be stunned into immobility and discipline, i.e. in the image above.





Besides that, all beasts have a special attack, namely the common wiggle. When the beast takes its attack stance to perform the wiggle, you are advised to

Lesson No. 3: Flee from the AoE of your beast's attack

because the water elemental droplets from the attack may cause you to lose health points and you will eventually die from the poisoning wrinkles.

Warning: Level 6 Beasts have an AoE (Area of Effect) of approximately 0.9 meters in radius.





Now the other hard part, is the drying process. Here, we have to be fluent in close-combat contact with the beast, but I believe that most people out there are marginally inexperienced in this area. So to start off with the process, take an intimidating stance, i.e. the picture above, hold your drying tool with a firm grip, and attack the beast from the neck downwards.





You are advised to do it speedily, as the beast may get untamed any moment. Oh and remember,

Lesson No. 4: Do not allow the beast's mouth to be able to reach your drying tool

because you will end up like this.




and this.





Now ,once you've completely bathed the beast, you may want to

Lesson No. 5 Store away your equipment

in a closed compartment, where it is out of reach of your beast, because if you leave it lying around, it will start to rummage through and destroy the equipment lying around. Which will subsequently be almost impossible to recover, depending on the Strength and Dexterity of the beast.





You may also want to

Lesson No. 6: Watch out for any surprise attacks

by the beast after its rejuvenating bath which had restored its stamina and HP. These attacks may include digging in the garden, playing fetch with itself and most commonly humping.





A trick to dispel such an attack is to

Lesson No. 7: Drain the beast's energy

down to point that it would just walk away and not be bothered even by the ticks on itself.





Taro.





Another problem I find very mind-blogging about these beasts is that they tend to be very much indecisive in most of the matters. One of them is their appetite. Sometimes they grumble over not serving them at the right time,





and other times they prefer not to gobble down anything all of a sudden.





and when you walk away, they trace your steps, eyeing on the serving in your hand.





Well, if such behavior is seen as intolerable, then you should consider to

Lesson No. 8: Subject the beast to threat

and perhaps just lock him outside and not serve him his daily meal.

Or if your beast is an apprehensive one, you could just use the good ol' line,





"woof woof!"

*gives puppy eyes*

Labels: life around me

We've all heard of rumors that keep bugging at us at the back of our heads, getting us all excited and overwhelmed.

Like for example, some people have claimed that a coconut tree is soon to be imported from Canada once again.





Others say that Kristyn Wong is a retarded whacko who can't stop laughing at everything that's not funny.





And a few others, who can't stop laughing when they see these two pictures together, finding much similarities between them.





But have you heard of this?









"OMG JON! WHY ARE YOU SO INTENTLY STARING AT MY CHEST?!"

"Coz the doctor told me to."

Labels: expanding my knowledge

Then after that as usual, she asked me for verification and to do the standard procedure.



"Okay Mr. Jon, are you in front of your PC, Mr. Jon?"

"Yes."

"Okay, Mr. Jon. now on your modem, is the DSL light stable, Mr. Jon, or is it flashing?"

"It's stable."

"Okay, Mr Jon. I need you do something for me okei, Mr Jon. Mr. Jon are you following me, Mr. Jon?

"Yes, i'm here."

"Okay, Mr Jon, i need you to unplug..."



Omg111.

Okay firstly, Mrs Nice Malay Lady,


WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CALL ME

MR. JON SO MANY TIMES?! YOU'RE

PROBABLY IN THE LATE 20's or 30's.

I'M ONLY 19. AND NO, I'M NOT

AVAILABLE.






So I called back after doing all the hanky-panky procedure, and this new guy answered. Well, apparently the customer would feel more comfortable speaking with the preceding operator, but I'm guessing that it's pretty impractical. Well, that'll be some perfective feedback for the helpdesk, then?





Anyway, he asked me to make the manual dialer and connect and bla bla tell him the error number, and apparently the problem was to do with my password.

So, okay. I put down the phone. I called my brother for the password, and tried again, but still

NO INTERNET.





So I called back and the Nice Malay Lady answered again, but luckily she forgot who I am, because if she didn't, I'll be cursing at her


"HELLO MAK CIK CAN YOU BLOODY

STOP CALLING ME MR. JON?!"


Geez. Anyway. So now she tells me that my password is wrong. so she advises me that she can reset it for me. And as she did, she asked me to wait for another hour for the resetting to complete. Well, of course, as a polite and understanding consumer, I acknowledge her assistance.


Oh, okay sure. Thank you.


and deep inside, I acknowledge TMNet's service.


@#!$%?^&*#%!


So anyway, after a good and satisfying one-hour wait, I rushed to the pc and hooked up the equipment attempting to acquire an internet connection, and

Yay!

I broke the good news to my dad, letting him analyze the problem for awhile, and all he could say to me is

"Yeala, they must have just refreshed our session."

"?"

He then explained to me the concept of a Dynamic IP address.





Sometimes I just wish I could catch the time-machine bus and stop at Jalan Geramnya Aku, walk over to Kedai Why Couldn't You Just Bloody Offer To Refresh My Session In The First Place and give those operators each a wedgie and a half.

But on second thought, they gave me back my connection, so i'll give them an amazing




The last star is for making my dad wake me up so early in the morning.

Labels: malaysia boleh

In Bali, the local women have a variety of capabilities, including one carrying large weights, mostly balancing them on top of their heads.





They don't just transport fruits and vegetables from place to place, but also heavy equipment and bulk stocks. They seem to be very fluent in such a skill, telling me that they had most probably begun the tradition since young.





Some say that's how real women should walk, with a book on their heads, not letting it tip over. But these aren't just books, the items they carry range up to weights of a television.





If a Balinese kid could do something like that, can you imagine what kind of skill he'd possess when he becomes an adult?





"Papa! tengok aku! Saya bisa angkat bangunan dengan kepala!"

Labels: holidays and whatnot

Colleges and universities are education faculties where students can expand their knowledge, develop their careers and plan their years ahead.

Such a concept has been downgraded on the priority charts in the modern era. Nowadays, the more attractive purpose of attending college/university classes for majority of the students is none other than to win the popularity contest.

So here's an All-You-Need-To-Know guide with



Nowadays everyone is so fashion-conscious that if your wardrobe cycle lasts for less than a period of 14 days, you are labelled as "bo fashion sense la you".





So in order to beat the heat, you would want to be outstanding in the crowd. wear a cool t-shirt with happening captions that would attract humor and attention. This is a great way to start a conversation.

Or maybe you could just carry a striking coloured bag to college everyday to flaunt your taste in fashion accessories.

For the girls... Just wear something skimpy.

It'll make the whole world remember you.

STEP 2: Put Your Wig On

The second thing everyone notices about you is your hairstyle (The first is your face, so maybe you might wanna make those pimples your priority). When getting a haircut, go to the barber or hairdresser's with a picture of the whackiest hairstyle from a social magazine, and say "boss, saya mau ini." Chances are that you'll have people talking about your new look 143% more frequently than the day before. This is a great way to tell people that you're not some squarepants in college just to read thick books.

Although so, you might want to be careful with that new hairstyle as it might seem to be what everyone calls a lala hairstyle. Apparently, this term is used for when a guy wears a pink collared t-shirt, colourful sneakers, an oversized neck chain and purely dyed hair, and when a girl wears high boots, an oversized tanktop over a tubetop and purely dyed hair.

Nope. doesn't qualify.




To round it up, just have a style where you can be versatile with, either being able to use gel or hairspray, or even let it down and still look presentable.

Try not to have the coconut hairstyle.

STEP 3: Picture Perfect

Since the digital camera may now be considered as one of his/her essentials in life, Try considering camwhoring as a past time. For the guys, this activity is just perfect for showing off your sporty side to the girls in a social event. It also brings out your photogenic character, which is just a heart-melter when it comes to "hey can i take a picture of you?"

STEP 4: Are You Interested in...

Many people usually have a variety of interests and hobbies, for example some have a liking to collecting stamps, while others like to pick up girls from clubs and discos. Therefore it is important to have a vast capacity of knowledge or interest in extra-curricular activities such as sports, hobbies, musical intruments and so on. This could be one of the crucial factors which determine your significance in the community. An illustration to this factor maybe as follows:




"Oh, I play basketball, floorball, football, badminton, foosball, ping pong and rugby, and I like to eat the MeeGorengDoubleDenganTelurMata at Nasi Kandar ss15, the CheeCheongFun at Golden Kimwah ss20, the CheeseNaan at Murni's ss2, and the FettuccineMarinara at SouledOut Hartamas, and I go rock climbing at camp5, Batu Caves, Lumut, Summit and Melbourne, and also running for 21km or 42km marathons once in awhile."

While you're at it, just throw in some extraordinary experiences.

And you are now halfway to being labelled "cool".

"Oh, and I have a beagle which can't stop humping my leg."



STEP 5: Participate and Organize

Everyone loves to be entertained by a performance or a gathering, be it a spontaneous act or a well-planned class trip. A crucial step to be popular in college is to participate in performances and organize events.




It could be the Dress Up The Guys Game, it could be Limbo Rock, anything that would give you a chance to show off your all-rounder capabilities.

I won lar okay. First placing.
But after that, my back... last placing.

For the basics, just practise your musical instruments, rehearse your dance steps and have a go on the stage for proms or graduation dinners. If you're good, then people will love you. If you suck, then people will hate you. Either way, you're almost there to being a popular college/university student.

one CAT boy and a hundred MUFY people.

STEP 6: Mix Wif Da Chix

In the world after high school, everyone's eyes are darting around for some eye candy. So the idea is to mix arond with the hot chicks in town and get to know them better. This way, you can get other people to notice how smooth and cool you are in such situations.

STEP 7: Come in Style

The way to go with getting yourself popped in people's heads all the time is to remind them about the cool gadgets that you have.

In order for people to go to you more, you must possess the most important gadget, the car.

This gadget comes in very handy when everyone wants to get a ride to eat lunch outside college together, where it's too far too walk and it's 50 degrees celcius out on the road. To spice up your cool gadgetry more, go to the mechanics and tell them to change your exhaust pipe into one which you can fit your leg in, and also put some extra plates of metal and plastic on the front, sides, behind and on the boot of your car. You may also want to add some blinking little lights around the car.

Besides that, walking arorund wearing the all-new discovered fashion icon, the mp3 player may improve your style. Preferably, you could purchase an iPod and hang it around your neck all the time with a lanyard. This will tell everyone that you're not just a study freak, but also very music literate.

But most important of all, you need to be studying in the coolest course as well. That would be your main identity in campus, don't you think?

STEP 8: Don't Be Too Technical

Don't you think people who talk about everything in such detail are just total turn-offs? You may think that knowing all the technicalities of certain topics would make you somewhat 'knowledgeable', but in fact, it makes you not seem like an all-rounder at all.

I find that when people know generally more about many things rather than specifically most about one thing, they tend to get farther in life. This is one of the ways to boost your communication skills when expressing your not-so-shy side.

STEP 9: Start a Trend

Influence is a powerful tool in the outside world. If you have the ability to manipulate people's thoughts into your favour, then you are to be considered as a very influential person. try starting a new trend in college like wearing little rubber wristbands or putting on your lanyarded thumbdrive even when you have an empty pocket that you can fit it in or even when you're eating.

One of the most bonding matters is having a special code of words or rather a lingo that you and your friends understand. For example, you can end all your sentences with a 'DOWH', making yourself sound more dopey and unintellectual.

Or you can even start a cool action sequence among your mates. For example, my good friend Ernest Khaw enters into a trance during rock concerts lifting his arm up with some special signage while gruntly saying

"YEAH!!! HUHH! OOOOHH!"






STEP 10: Maintain a Blog





And lastly, the easiest way to get people to know what your personality is like, just have a blog that people would visit frequently and talk about with their friends in college.


Now you are ready to meet the world and flaunt your popular personality until your satisfaction satisfies you. I wish you good luck and godspeed with your pursuit of popularity.

Labels: life around me